RUTH'S STORY
GREAT SEXPECTATIONS
11.03.2019
By Jasdip Sensi
@jasdipsensi
As the melody of Marvin Gaye’s ‘Let’s get it on’ flows across the swanky penthouse- apartment in Battersea. Six men appear, four undressed down to their underwear, breathe heavily as they caress the backs of moaning middle-aged women.
This is definitely not a brothel, or even a swinger’s club, but a ‘mindful orgasm workshop’ run by 58-year-old Psychosensual Masseur, Colin Richards. According to Colin’s website, IntimacyMatters, he aims to “teach society how to achieve better physiological and sexual satisfaction.” As according to the National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles, around half of 24-to-35-year-old women complain of a lack of sexual enjoyment; across all ages 4 out of 10 women say they are dissatisfied as the survey claims that people in Britain are having less sex than ever.
As I walk into the room, overlooking London’s River Thames, which happens to be Colin’s living room, three female volunteers lie in their birthday suit, covering their modesty with crisp white towels, which I reckon will not stay crisp for very long.
Containers of hot body oil are left out, as the relaxing sounds of slow jazz music are played whilst the lights get dimmed to paint the scene. “I see a lot of couples who have got to a point in their relationship, where the physical intimacy has got a bit stagnant, meaning they are no longer sexually attracted to each other anymore, but they still love each other” says Colin.
“So they come to me and enjoy a sensual massage, where in that moment, they both talk about their feelings whilst massaging each other, because I personally think any physical activity is dominated by the mind and not the body.”
Nude model, meditation teacher and sexual activist Jessica Graham states “mindfulness is actually about being in the moment. Seeing, smelling, touching, hearing and tasting things which are actually occurring in the moment, rather than experiencing life in the filter of your own thoughts and emotions.”
So that means no more lying in bed, with your partner having pleasant, if serviceable sex, when your mind starts to tune out and have inner mental chatter, you start to think about what’s for tea, why your boss has not responded to your text message or what your partner thinks about your body.
Colin shares that his female clients will “often say they prefer to have the lights off during intercourse, and sometimes they will redirect their partner’s hands far away from the areas they are not confident about, which makes them worry about how their partner is looking at their physique, which make women insecure and end up not liking sex.”
Both Jessica and Colin express their love of sex and concern about the stigma surrounding the talk of sex in society.
“The energy that goes to produce our sexual drive has to be utilised and if it’s not expressed, nature has a very clever way of recognising that you are a wasted resource. In other words, nature basically goes “what’s the point in wasting those resources?”, let’s get rid of these” says Colin.
“So this can mean, the person might become introverted, depressed and unwell as the body begins to wind itself down and eventually dies, or it can even become aggressive, get into fights and kill itself.”
As sex is not only a physical experience, but an emotional one. It is a great way to relieve stress, as the benefits include releasing endorphins and other hormones that lift your mood after doing the dirty. Studies by Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy suggest that being intimate with your partner can trigger the chemicals in the brain to lower stress. Chemicals such as:
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Endorphins: also referred to as the ‘love hormone’, which fights our body’s stress and pain.
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Oxytocin: also referred to as the ‘cuddle hormone’, which triggers the feeling of compassion.
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Dopamine: also referred to as the ‘behaviour hormone’, which generally increases motivation.
Someone who does not agree with this is 25-year-old, California born, Evelyn Blanco, who identifies as an asexual female since the age of 19. “Before I started to identify myself as asexual, I acted in an asexual manner but I did not know of the term of asexuality” she says.
“Growing up and not even having a word to explain your experiences was devastating, there were no TV shows that portrayed asexual characters, the vast majority of shows for example, any show not for children under 10, portrayed and still portrays sexual characters.”
Blanco only agrees that there is a link between sex and mental health but does not believe the lack of sex makes her depressed, she explains that “I am not able to concentrate when I am hungry, for instance, sexual desire, I imagine works in the same manner. As an asexual I simply do not feel these desires, in other words, I am not "hungry".
In a world where you can hook-up with someone within minutes of saying hello, apps such as Tinder are playing a huge part in the idea of casual sex. Studies by Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health (PSRH), showcase that 14% of young women reported that their most recent sexual encounter was ‘casual’.
They found that there were no substantial differences in the psychological health of those who engaged in casual sex acts versus those who were having sex within a relationship.
Colin Richards mentions that “You are doing everything but penetrative sex, or it may even be penetrative sex, but it is not locked into a relationship, it’s not locked into an emotional bonding, it is one way or another finding some fuck buddies and that is becoming much, much more prevalent today.”
When asked what advice he would give he says “If you’re in a relationship, sit down with your partner and talk more about exploring your sexuality and don’t be limited by what you expect your partner to agree with. Push their boundaries, ask them about what they want, open up the conversation about your relationship, likewise with your friends.”
Mindful sex does not have to be intense, or even time consuming. It also does not have to be physically different. It can purely be the same sex but from a different mind-set. Using different breathing techniques and actually living in the moment without any distractions.
Jessica Graham mentions in her book, ‘Good Sex, Getting Off Without Checking Out’, that many people mention “they are not spiritual, so they are not into mindfulness” but that is further away from the truth. It is straightforward, you focus your attention in that exact moment and experience those sensations.
Even simple things like “switching off your phone can have a huge impact. Closing your eyes during intimacy, tuning into the different sensations in the different parts of your body, not trying to dictate changes, just purely observing and enjoying everything, during the time of passion” she says.
She recommends starting off with a simple mindful masturbation exercise, “where you start by setting a timer for ten or fifteen minutes, as you start exploring your body and notice how different pressures and strokes feel all over your body, not just the genital area, but the different parts of the body.”
“Then when you move to the genital area you want to proceed in a way that is new and fresh, so not necessarily doing what you always do and finishing without the goal of orgasm.”
